Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Cliché

I hate identifying witclichés . I disdain doing what everyone else is doing, avoiding it if given the choice. I declare my individuality, my rebellion, showcasing the dance to the beat of my own drum. I mean, what writer/adventurer/seeker sees their story start in the checkout line of a chain grocery store in the suburbs? Where she lives, drives a minivan, carries a mortgage, and does yoga? And yet, here I stand.

Sometimes I write on my walls because I can. Sometimes I save up to pay for an experience instead of a new bed set. But as I age as a woman, and move beyond babyhood as a mother, I feel a little ... bored. My life, these days, is not the content of an exciting book you can't put down. I wonder, what kind of writer can I be when I am folding laundry? I should be collecting experiences, meeting people different than myself, breaking out from the homogeny of my social station.


Ah, that tricky concept of "should." What I "should" be doing has always plagued me. With expectations from others, from within, and from a belief that I should be doing X in order to arrive at Y. I am pretty good at doing what I should. I am even better at following through on doing what I set out to do. At this juncture, however, the game plan written for a girl in her twenties surrounded by babies in the Yukon is no longer applicable. I am entering a new stage, and wondering what's next?

Should I manipulate the story? Inject some drama and excitement for the sake of it? Should I determine my next move, and make it a big one, as a protection against living a bland life? I have a great fear of living a boring life that could be interchangeable with anyone else's. I do not want be on my deathbed wishing I had the courage to have done more, strayed from safety, lived bigger.

So. I am sitting here in a life transition and not sure who makes the first move: Me? The universe? Am I supposed to be waiting for a next big thing at all? Maybe as I become more comfortable in my own skin, amassing life's wisdom from doing and seeing, I am to learn the value of just being. Sitting in the present, where things are slow enough for me to look around and appreciate the small, beautiful things I have missed in the chaos of raising four baby girls through their infancies. It really was quite busy, and at times difficult. Some days it can still overwhelm me.


Wanting is a slippery slope. It can become coveting, feeling inadequate, jealousy, "I'll be happy when," and looking two steps ahead instead of finding/making happiness where I stand. I know better than that. In times like this, where I am confused about my identity and five-year plan, I wish I could ask future me for advice. If I could, I would say, "40-year-old Sarah, what do I need to know as I try to figure out what comes next, and who I want to be?" As I sit in meditation, I often throw this out there. So far, the answers I hear come in a calm voice reminding me I have what I need, dream big, do the work, and keep rooting it in love.

2 comments:

  1. Interesting...I had a similar questioning about "what's next" and decided to seek the change. Not because I was unhappy (in this case at my job) but because it was becoming boring and routine and my heart wasn't it in anymore. They say change is hard, but for me the hardest part was initiating and following through in order to make the change happen. Now that I took the risk and made the change, living it has made my life more interesting and has given me back my mojo.
    I wish you to find what you seek and become the change you want to see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Phil! And I'm glad you got your mojo back :)

      Delete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...