Friday, June 17, 2016

Restless

I can't discern whether it is turning 30, or being a mother to many young children, or something else entirely, but I have noticed a growing restlessness. An internal fidgeting, quelled by small resolutions and declarations to shake things up a bit. I have been sitting with (wrestling with...) an impetus for change. Everything is going pretty swimmingly around here, I have felt pretty stable and accomplished in recent years, and have started and ended my days with steady peace and satisfaction. I don't believe in jinxing things, but I have been feeling a little bored. And that won't do.


I have always felt responsible for my own happiness, and so in noticing these uneasy feelings taking root and beginning to grow, I have tried a few changes on for size. I cut white sugar from my diet, to see if that change would help me feel better. It has, unsurprisingly, left me feeling more energetic, less bogged down digestively and more even-keeled in the hormone department. I still use food with sugar as an ingredient, like sauces and prepared grains, but when baking or preparing food or choosing a snack, I have been kicking the white stuff. I have also noticed many foods taste sweeter when I can focus on naturally-occurring sugars and tastes. (Above is my tried-and-true fave summer drink: Sun Tea. Add hibiscus tea, lemons, berries and honey to water in a mason jar and let it steep in sunshine all morning. Strain, sip, enjoy). 

Green Goddess dressing on everything, from pasta to grilled veggies
I have also felt pulled to do something new and challenge myself athletically. I am still running regularly, and completed a 10km Mother's Day race, but wondered if I could possibly join the ranks of the long-distance marathoners. Doubt and fear quickly crept in, but I took that as a sign I needed to go for it. I signed up for my first half-marathon run this fall. The training will, I'm sure, be arduous and a big commitment. Mentally, I am afraid I don't have the fortitude nor focus to do it. So, I will try to prove myself wrong. This is 30, after all, and I am the captain of my ship!

Rhubarb custard pie made from our own rhubarb!
So, there are those physical changes, lifestyle game-changers to shake things up a bit. But still, the restlessness implores me to keep seeking. I have always been one to take the path less travelled, if not for the novelty of doing something new than for the rebellion of doing something different. Indeed, I parent my kids to the tune of our own family's unique song, but I know I could use some practice honing in on my own voice. That voice, you know? It gets snuffed and quieted with each article, opinion and news story I read, and before I knew it I had great trouble finding my own voice, my own inner wisdom, underneath the piles of accumulated "research." With beautiful summer days upon us, I have resolved to be offline when I'm with the kids, and stop reading about parenting, balance, life choices all those clickable stories that take up time and space in my head. I need to breathe, slowly and deeply, so that I can hear myself think again.


I am a seeker by nature, never satisfied to sit very long with the answers I have found, because they always lead to more questions. I am curious, a permanent student of my life, and with so much more to learn, I feel I will always be asking, trying, doing more and more. As Abby reminded me over breakfast last week, being weird is so much better than being boring. 

I'll leave you with a man in uniform. Swoon!


1 comment:

  1. I'm sure you'll rock your half marathon! My 30s have been the happiest years of my life, Happy 30th. Wishing you the same joy this decade, enjoy it!

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