Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Another 'this is hard' post (sorry!)

Today I actually Googled, "how to manage three kids under two." In case you're interested, Google wasn't very helpful. They had lots of advice for two under two, or two under three. I found a few links to other people with three kids under age two, but they seemed to be really blissful about it all. "It's busy, but so worth it," and "it's chaotic for the first six months, but we love it so much we're trying to get pregnant again already!"

Eventually, I found the words I needed to read: "the tough stage passes just when you think you can't possibly go on any longer ... don't expect much time for yourself, but carve it out when you can ... I promise you will look back on these years fondly." 


I hesitate to publish any negative words on the Internet my kids may one day grow to read, in case they take it too personally. But I'll say it: sometimes I feel angry. Summer wasn't planned, and while I welcome her as our fourth child, I sometimes am still angry that she came before I felt ready. My body hadn't fully recovered from a twin pregnancy. Hailey and Robin still need pretty involved parenting and supervision during their waking hours, so there is no time leftover for other things like meal preparation,  phone calls, laundry, cleaning. When I am trying to sit and feed Summer, but it is also time for lunch, I feel angry at how torn I feel. I don't like having to choose between one kid's needs to favour another's.




I feel like I have to remind myself these simple truths on an hourly basis some days: this too shall pass, the days are long but the years are short. I have to trust that I will look back on this time with warm memories of rainy-day puddle splashing, and not when I gave in and cried while I served lunch that was promptly thrown onto the floor. 



Today, I mused to myself, "maybe I could just go work somewhere to pay for Hailey and Robin to go to daycare." Because that would be easier. I felt bad that I wanted to ship them away rather than do the dirty work myself. I don't have a job to return to that I love. I don't have to return to work to ensure our family makes ends meet (thankfully). I just wanted to pawn off the hard work of parenting to someone else. I felt bad, but I don't want to let myself feel guilty: thinking these things is OK, and part of the journey. There's no point burying these feelings, right?




Nineteen-month-old twins are a lot of work. So are newborns. I might not have planned to have three kids under two years old, but I do. Time to pull on my big mama boots and do this thing.



3 comments:

  1. I am not worried... your kids will look back at their childhood and only remember the awesome parts- which by how well you are doing, will be all the parts. :)

    Food thrown to the floor? Kid just gets to eat from the floor. heheheh

    Feel those feelings and then find the humour in it all so you can make it through. Oh yeah, and a bottle of wine. That's gotta help, right?

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  2. This is it my dear, this is the "thick.. in the middle... trudging through the mud" days... and yes, someday it will be easier. You are entitled to all of these feelings (and more) because it is DAMN hard and you are doing your DAMN best.
    You are an amazing mama, and right now you have your hands very full. An exhausting job, where you get very little recognition.
    The one good thing that comes to mind is the whole ebb and flow of the days... in my experience, there tends to be a string of really bad days and then really good ones. Hopefully the good ones are right around the corner.
    Love you! xox

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  3. I am reading this following being up five times last night with Molly and Jack for no apparent reason. One of the reasons why I think Jack (up 4 times) was up so much was wanting more alone time, so I feel bad begrudging him something he needs, even though at 4AM it feels like they're playing a mean joke on you. I feel you and I'm working with half of the players you are alongside a daycare support team while I work and our laundry still barely gets done, the dinner I spend an hour preparing still gets thrown on the floor, but the sweet potato fries that I just put in the oven from the freezer - gobbled up. Your girls seem so happy and you're doing so great! Your girls will remember being loved so much and become big helpers in the next few months, even if it is just grabbing you a granola bar so you can take care of Summer. If they need your attention, they'll make sure they get it...even if it is at 4AM!

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