Monday, March 4, 2013

Wouldn't take nothing for my journey now

I need to just say that as 2013 presses on, I am seeing with vivid clarity how big a lesson I'm learning about how little control I really have. I am learning to succumb to the fates and embrace the beautiful surprise of this pregnancy, and every day my soul becomes more swollen with anticipation and love for this little baby. I have no doubts about how this baby will fit in, whether we'll have enough of everything he or she needs, or even where he or she will sleep.
More than this pregnancy, I am really awakening to this whole approach to life whereby I relinquish my control. It's incredibly freeing, makes way for me to really appreciate the now and the beauty of the smallest, most hidden of treasures.
Treasures like tulips in my kitchen while there is still four feet of snow on my front lawn.
I still make lists, plan meals for the weeks, buy things on sale that I know I will need in a month or two and I budget long term. That's just a necessity in a big (and growing) family with finite resources. I plan for what I know and can anticipate. But that's the nitty-gritty, the paperwork.
I can't plan when babies come into our lives, despite my best efforts so far. I have tried really hard to make one happen and stay and I've tried as best as I knew to avoid one coming before I felt ready. In both scenarios I have been humbled by giving in to a force bigger than myself and understanding that this isn't my show to run.
I wear sunscreen to avoid skin damage later on, and I keep my heart healthy as I can to improve my chances of it beating far into the future. But I am starting to learn, and really feel, that in spite of my best efforts and good intentions, there is a lot of room left in my plans for fate to come sweeping in and change things.
Maya Angelou wrote a phrase I love (in fact, it is the title of one of her books). She says, "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now." It's the 'now' part that speaks to me. The reflection that comes afterwards when I begin to see that, "Ahhh, that makes more sense-- now."


It is incredibly liberating to feel as though I don't have to know it all, have control over it all, or have it all figured out. What kind of life falls perfectly into plan? A boring one, I'd wager. Because I've made the best memories and felt the most growth inside me during the times when the universe seemed to be saying, "Listen up Sarah, and start picking up what I'm putting down."
So, I'm listening. I'm planning an afternoon walk in the sun and a pot of cheese tortellini and broccoli for dinner but in the spaces between, I am completely open to what might happen. That is just such a fascinating and exciting way to see things.

The more I quietly watch Skylar, the more I realize what a Zen master she is.



5 comments:

  1. You are always inspiring me my friend, I wish you lived closer so I could experience your positive energy more often! I love your outlook on life Sarah!!

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  2. You're pregnant again? Congratulations!!

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  3. full of beauty, as usual. you're lesson is teaching me a bit as well. I admire you for "letting go" and letting life happen. xox

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  4. Now that is a beautiful post, Sarah. Perfect.

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