Sunday, May 6, 2012

New Growth

A few of my new basil shoots
January is long past, but this week I have started feeling like making some resolutions. It's spring, which I suppose is a different kind of new year, and the new growth all around me reminds me that new life can come any time of year. Or be taken. I went to a funeral this week for a 29-year-old girl who had died after a long fight with cancer. How can I not feel like kicking up the dust and re-aligning a few things?
It's not just the reminders of life's finite time sheet that is making me feel propelled to do something. I've been looking at my daughter's faces and wondering what they'll see in mine as they grow up. Will they see a devoted mom who is their soft place to fall? As they mature, will they see a woman who mothers fiercely but who also loves in other arenas?
I easily feel fulfilled and fully occupied as a mother of three very young girls, these days. It takes up most of my day tending to them, keeping the house running and keeping good food coming across the table. It won't always be like this, and that's both good news and bad. I fear that one day, things will be a little more quiet around here, and then what?
I guess the question my mind's been dancing with all week is that all-encompassing, "who am I?" I hope there's never a black-and-white answer, but I'd like some more structure to the answer. I love mothering. It warms me, gives me a sense of legacy, and is my, 'no matter what' fallback plan for living a fulfilled life. I know I am more than a mother of three. Heck, five years ago I wasn't yet a wife. I was free to pursue my life's direction all on my own. There's a loneliness to that, and boy am I glad to have made a family. Like I said, though, I am reminding myself that there is more.
"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." -Benjamin Franklin
I think I am going to start writing again. This outlet is great, and is a wonderful way for me to practice putting words to my thoughts, in satisfying pairings. I want to write for me though, something with more depth and length. Something that feels like an accomplishment, that challenges me, and that lasts beyond what's timely. I realize that I miss having deadlines, writing goals, a next level.
I'll find time here and there to write, and maybe when the littlest girls are a bit older I'll sign up for a writing class again, to get myself thinking in new ways. I can already feel a 'first day of school' kind of excitement about starting something new.


  1. how exciting, to get back to something that is such a huge part of who you are. It's easy to tell when I read anything you write, that you are a writer. It's in your words, it's in your flow, it's a huge part of you and quite a talent. Good luck in starting something new and developing a layer of yourself that has been dormant for a bit.

  2. Aw, thanks. That feels like such a hug :)

  3. I can't top what CA said, but it's true. Your writing is special and you are extremely talented at it. I'm glad that it is still a part of who you are. I understand wanting to keep at your art. I too would like to get back to painting and making someday. It hasn't left me but at this time in my life, I don't have much room for it.

  4. Oh I am so sorry to hear about your friend!! My heart goes out to you and all those who were in her life.


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