Monday, April 9, 2012

Getting Here

I'm surprised by how much I am enjoying these first few months' of the twins' lives. It is so different than before. With Abby, I was shaky, anxious, nervous, trying to find my footing, wondering why I got a broken (colicky) baby. I have loved every stage but the newborn stage with Abby, and have admitted this all the way through. I found her needy, ugly-looking at first, cranky, and I was tired, isolated, self-conscious and hormonal. I wouldn't say I had full-blown post-partum depression, but I definitely had the blues. I found it best to just press on and get through that stage, hoping there would be something wonderful on the other side, and of course there was.
Abby, my first-born, taught me what it is to be a mother, and made me the mama I am. Losing pregnancies taught me how precious Abby's life was. She is so lucky to have beaten the odds, before I knew how bad they were. I dreamed of the day I would hold another baby in my arms, because I knew that everything leading up to that day would make me feel a love I did not yet know.
With Abby, I had to work up to the deep, guttural bond we have now. It was not an instant love. It came with time, sacrifice, and putting in long hours and tears. Ilearned how rewarding motherhood can be through first words, first steps, and unconditional love.
This time with Hailey and Robin has been very different. When each of those girls was immediately placed onto my belly, I first felt relief they were healthy and then great, deep gratitude. I loved them fiercely. In those first few days in the hospital, I had the confidence to know what I was doing, and to know what they needed most. I saw them struggle to gain weight at the beginning, and I worked really hard to prevent them from struggling any longer than they had to.
I have felt very calm with them. No anxiety, little worry, no real stress. Granted, they have been very well-behaved babies who have not proven colicky or even very fussy. I had a few hormonal days after they were born, but my own mama was here and my husband was watching, and I laughed through my tears knowing how silly they were.
I have so enjoyed being the twins' mother, from day one. I set myself up for another great battle through infancy with these two, thinking twins would be a terrible ordeal. Throughout my pregnancy, all I heard was how much work I would have to do, how much trouble was surely in store. I have been pleasantly surprised with how untrue those predictions were.
This isn't by any means easy. I haven't slept longer than three hours in nearly eight weeks. I feel guilt at allocating my mama loving to three girls instead of one. We don't have a lot of money and I worry about the future. We've had some family setbacks and stress that clouded the focus of the first few weeks of their lives. But I have found my happy place in being their mother and feel most blessed to sit rocking them in my arms.
I know they are young and if jinxing is real, I may be setting myself up for difficulty in the next few weeks. I have to say it though: mothering these twin girls and their big sister has been so fulfilling and has come so naturally that I have stopped questioning why we had to go through so many losses to get here.
Photo courtesy of Birds on a Wire Photography

2 comments:

  1. you are truly a natural Sarah! You are so meant to do this and your girls are such lucky little ones to have such a strong and loving mother like you.
    I'm so amazed by how well you are coasting through this. No doubt it must be tiring and challenging at times, but you handle it all with such grace.
    xox

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  2. love it!! I understand what you're saying because I felt it as well with my second. Just a calm, assured, confident mama loving her kids.

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