Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Where Do Babies Come From?

People ask all the time when I'm due, what the twins' genders are, if I have any other children and if I will have help after the twins arrive. I have answers to all of their questions, and have been able to come up with some solution to most of the logistical questions that have come up these last months.
As our time is now measured in days left, I am asking myself why these two girls are coming. Why, really, did we want them? And I don't have the same prepared or clear-cut answers.
Before Abby was conceived, people were surprised we were already trying for a baby so soon after getting married. We had been together seven years by then, and I knew our relationship was ready to take on more. I knew we had an abundance of love to give and Skylar just wasn't cutting it. I knew a baby was right for us. I knew why we wanted her.
When she was eight months old and I was pregnant again, a little surprisingly, that baby came from some strange realization of power. I had learned of what my body was capable and, thrilled with the prospect that it could create people, I was eager to test out this new found superpower. When we lost that baby, I began a long journey towards learning where, truly, our babies were going to come from.
I learned patience, surrender, desperation, hope and emptiness while we waited to see who would finally join our family. I learned what kind of mother I was to Abby, what it meant to me to be honoured with the position of raising her. With this pregnancy and the realization that we'd hit the jackpot with twins who continued growing healthy and strong, I now ask myself: what did we want in having more children?
I think it comes down to that same abundant pool of love. I have so much more love to give. I don't want to smother poor Abby, who is such an independent and curious girl in her own right without my over-mothering her. I am so excited to have two more daughters to love and help shape. I am excited, selfishly, to be treated to front-row seats at the development of three independent and different girls, born from a love between their daddy and I.
My husband would laugh at all this sentiment tonight, because today was a particularly difficult day with Abby. She was sensitive, tired, sugar-treated, whiny and difficult. We both gave a big sigh of relief when we could finally tuck her in and come downstairs without her. We both thought to ourselves numerous times throughout the day, "are we really going to be doing this with two more little creatures?"
Like the Barenaked Ladies said, "noting worth having comes without some kind of fight." We fought to get here and I'm sure on the tough days after the twins are born and start growing there will be days we fight to get through. But I know the soul-filling satisfaction of having so much love poured into a reflection of myself and husband is so worth it.

5 comments:

  1. I am so, so happy for you! And I love my girls, but I know that feeling so well, that thank-goodness-you're-finally-in-bed feeling. :)

    Also: I saved two little pairs of white girlie shoes, both never worn because I've always been a terrible judge of foot size. I couldn't bear to put them into the Sally Ann pile because they're so adorable and wanted to give them to a special home. (And two different pairs, btw, not matching ones.) Are your closets overflowing with cute shoes, or might you like them for your girls? It'll be a little while before they're in size 3 shoes... but no time at all, really. :D

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  2. I adore how you quoted the BNL in this post.

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