Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Winter's darkness

As I sit down to write this, I have just finished a peanut butter banana sandwich at 9 p.m. and I can hardly think of anything but the insatiable desire for nachos. I've put 15 pounds on my frame, and my belly is creeping up my torso and into my ribcage. I am leaning back in my chair because if I sit up straight, I am short of breath and feel crunched up. I am so amazed by how fast these changes are coming, and the increasing demand being put on my body. I am ready, I am even excited, by how much work I have to do.
I have waited and begged, and pleaded to be here. I have spent long, dark nights awake asking when and why. I am here, and I am quietly grateful, sitting back rubbing my belly.

It's winter here. A time of darkness, introspection, the mourning and death of summer vibrancy as everyone settles in to hibernate. Time to slow down, be present in the simple joys of folding Abby's little girl laundry, baking bread, stirring soup on the stove. It makes me think about saying goodbye to the business of warm sun and long days. It also makes me think of sad times, because winter is just a forlorn season.
This all makes me feel so joyful and thankful, this winter. I reflect on the sadness I've felt before, the darkness, and am so glad to have put it away. I won't ever forget it, and it makes me feel so much more grateful for the wonderful gift I know is on its way.
Babies are such miracles, and not just for the biophysical chances of egg meets sperm and successfully divides. The nine months a mother gestates, plans, worries and smiles at baby kicks is a miraculous time, and that is never far from my mind.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. It honestly brought tears to my eyes. I have wanted this for you so so badly. That it is happening, warms my heart.
    It's not just because we both have Abigails, or that they were both colicky. It's not just because we are both journo/writers. It is not for those reasons that I feel so connected to you and that I feel so deeply that you have earned this. It's that you go through with life class, and grace and strength. You are really an inspiration. I am glad you have the gift of words to express your feelings so poignantly. I feel privileged to be able follow your journey. Thank you.

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  2. Aw, Leslie. Now I've starred MY day crying. In a good way. Thank you for such kind, touching words this morning. I really hope we don't have to wait forever to finally meet up!

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