Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Funneling it down

We live in a world of unsolicited advice. Never was this more clear to me as when I found myself at the front door to motherhood. Everyone was an expert, or so it felt. So what was I? Without realizing it, I began to believe I couldn't possibly do it on my own with Rich. I learned there were people who knew more about swaddling than I initially did. There were breastfeeding experts and child development gurus who were certified to give opinions.
I initially tried to take in all the advice. I am not a sponge, so I learned to only let the helpful and good-natured advice in through my motherhood baleen. Through the course of my years mothering Abby, I've learned to know my instincts. Nobody can raise Abby better than her parents can.
This has been a very empowering lesson, and I look forward to moving further into adulthood, and finding more confidence in my voice, my abilities and my peace.
At such a crossroads with infertility and loss, there is a lot of advice out there. In weak moments, I have been consumed by what I could read and absorb. When I would feel at my wit's end, questioning "why" too many times and feeling cheated, I believed I could research my way out of this.
There is a lot to be read, and a lot of approaches to take as 'next steps.' I saw a naturopath, and that helped me to see my body not as a medical conduit, but as a bio-organism needing food, rest, and care, like a garden. I saw a specialist, and that showed me the medical options available.
There are many people who, I gather, reach for something to offer me when they aren't sure what might help. Try this, try that, they say. Just like new motherhood, it's overwhelming how many people have walked this road before, but I am learning that everyone finds their own answer, in their own way.
I'm still, of course, not sure what our answer is. Or if there is one. Medically speaking, there are no explanations for us. We are just supposed to keep hoping, keep trying, and statistically, it should work out one day.
There's an old Buddhist proverb that says if we haven't yet left the difficult phase we're in, we probably still have something to learn from it.
I'm learning peace, and in that I'm learning to keep it simple. There are a million things I could keep trying, a thousand approaches to health and cleansing and diet and exercise. Partly because we've been at it 22 months unsuccessfully and partly because I need peace, I have chosen to listen to my instincts. Trust my body. Give some props to my body for doing its thing all these years and staying healthy and strong. I'm done being angry with it for failing me, because when I look at things through a different set of lenses, my body has also done some pretty amazing things, (like have a daughter, feed her for a year, and recover from losses).

5 comments:

  1. Wow, what a beautiful buddhist saying. And such an inspiring post.

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  2. Wow, Sarah I loved this post. Thank you for sharing, I'm going to send it along to a friend who I am sure will appreciate it!

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story Sarah. It helps me to understand what you are going through. Of course I give you all of my love and support. Your strength amazes me my friend. xox

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