Monday, May 30, 2011

In The Waiting Room

It stands to reason that if one is bored, one should find a fulfilling activity to cure said boredom.
I thought I was just sad. Boredom, I thought, was a secondary symptom. I have read all kinds of literature (medical, support, nice e-mails from friends) that suggests when one is experiencing stress, one should make efforts to simplify life: to pare it down to the bare essentials so one's energy could be more efficiently used to hand life's challenges.
I did this. I simplified, I pared down, I re-aligned priorities and I waited. And waited. And still no pregnancy. Hmph.
So then I got kind of bored waiting. Should I plan a trip? I could, but what if I get pregnant? Should I plan to start a big project? Well, what if I have to cut it in three weeks if I find out I'm pregnant?
Should I complicate my life with new activities and more places to go? Wouldn't that add stress?
It turns out that on my journey, planning life and plans and goals around pregnancy is not a good idea. It has kept me on the sidelines, a little bit. And while I live a decidedly simple life, abide by routine, and eliminate stress, I have also missed out on the other end of the spectrum: spontaneity, fun, challenge.
It is summer. I can feel my energy levels rise and my thirst for adventure grow. I am so happy to have found warm, tank top weather that for the time being, I really don't mind if I don't get pregnant anytime soon. I like the idea that I could be the girl with the flat abs amongst a sea of preggos this summer. I like that I wouldn't be limited by early pregnancy exhaustion or a ban on cool, summer adult drinks. I've spent so long, waiting, hoping, wondering, that I now feel awakened and rebellious: take THAT illusive quest for pregnancy! It is summer, and I am getting bored, and I need some fun!
So, I have decided to spice things up a bit. I am going to forget all about pregnancy-related plans, worries and hopes. I've waited this long, and I've become quite good at it. What's another few months when they're spent in the sun, at the lake, eating BBQ?
I am taking back my summer.
To star, I took on a part-time job at a book store. It is low-stress, low responsibility, extra income, and stimulating conversation. I love talking books, knowing just which title to recommend, chiming in with my thoughts on Room or The Bell Jar. I love talking to tourists, because it makes me feel more like this is my home, my turf. I love the task of shelving books and discovering all kinds of new titles.
It means I miss out on some time with Abby at the end of the day, but you know what? It makes me appreciate my time at home with her more. I treasure the nights I can bathe her and put her to bed. Same goes with Rich: we know have limited evenings together so we make them count. And weekends? Oh man, we are carpe diem-ing the bejeesus out of our weekends together.
I am finding all kinds of adventures in hidden places and seizing them as they arise.
I am breaking out of the stagnant, mundane waiting room; it's not much fun in there and the wait seems longer when you've nothing to do but count days on a calendar.

5 comments:

  1. Congrats on the job!!! Which bookstore? I would probably blow my entire paycheque on books each week.

    Have fun relaxing while spicing it up!

    :)

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  2. Te one on Main Street. I could EASILY blow my paycheques, but I have some trips to save up for!

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  3. sounds good Sarah, sounds like you are finally getting to a healthy place in your mind, heart, and family. I know it hasn't been an easy road for you but you have been making it one step at a time and I like this new attitude of yours. I'll do my best to help you enjoy your summer!!

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  4. I am standing up and applauding!!! Wonderful, Sarah, all of it! I love it!

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  5. Yes to all of it! Summer is here and you have every opportunity right before you. xox

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