Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Giving up a moment

"OK, Sarah," I told myself. "You get one drive down the hill to feel sorry for yourself and that's it."
I sat in my little red scoot-mobile, on my way downtown to run some errands while Abby stayed behind with dad. The quiet inside the car gave me pause to think. Sometimes, the quiet is unnerving, as it means the deep, dark sadness I hide away is given a chance to come out. There are no interruptions or distractions, so it surfaces, giving me blurred vision and a trembling lip.
"Stop it," I tell myself. "What is being angry going to fix? Who benefits from my being sad? It's just going to put a damper on this whole sunny day."
I know now, though, that if I don't give some airtime to the sadness and anger, they're apt to explode at some inopportune time, confusing my husband and I and usually leaving someone more hurt than they ought to be. I know I have to feel it sometimes.
I have come to believe that in order for me to soak up the joy and happiness of watching my little girl grow, it is part of my story that I must know the sadness and anger of repeatedly losing the chance to raise another baby. It's a yin and yan that help me appreciate what I have.
So I negotiated with myself.
I agreed to let sadness and anger have their moment with me. But just that moment.
I let is wash me and strip away all the goodness in me. I let it infuriate me, and deflate my hope. I let it torment me with questions of "why?" and "when?" and "what's enough?"
Then, once I arrived at my first destination, that was it. I left it all behind and stepped forward, onto the rest of a day still full of possibility, fun and cuddles with the little girl created from love.
I went to my appointment, dropped off a card, picked up Rich's favourite coffee beans, a drink at Starbucks for me, and a ginormous parcel at the post office from the in-laws.
I got home and was swarmed with dances and cuddles as we tore into the box, excited to see what Granny and Grampa had sent up.
The rest of the morning was busy and fun, and there was laughter and smiling. Now, it is quiet as Abby naps and I am not sad or angry. I let them have their moments and I'm taking the rest of the day back.


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