Friday, February 4, 2011

Timshel

Have you ever been in the type of mood where sappy songs carry more meaning, where just the right acoustic guitar chord paired with just the rights stanza makes you weep? I'm there. I've been there the last few weeks, to be frank, as I navigate through the procession of grief stages and feel more like myself (and less like a sullen girl). My anthem that guarantees Kleenex crying (that is, crying enough to warrant a tissue for the copious amounts of tears and snot) has been Timshel by Mumford and Sons. I mean really,
"And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance."
Come on! It just hits me in my gut. It's a little pathetic to feel myself break down completely over a few choice words and strums, but I recognize a deep need for it, too. I see myself begin to get snappy with Rich, to dismiss other people when they want their turn to share their woes with me, when I feel anger disproportionate to an announcement that a teenage family member has knocked his girlfriend up by accident. I know I am still grieving. It doesn't impair my daily function, or impede my ability to find happiness and joy, but it is waiting for me to come greet it. So, I drag my feet, because I want to return to normal, to regain the spring in my step. I know this grief is waiting for me and sometimes a good cry, saying, "why? why? why?" is exactly what I need. It's like a hot poison slowly leaking its way through my veins, but I know I have to swallow it and feel it work its way through me.
So I listen to sad songs (Capsize by Sarah Harmer's another choker), and let myself cry and ask the questions that I'm so scared to ask. I listen close to hear if the universe might have an answer tonight (it doesn't), but I let myself grieve. I know it's only time that will help seal this wound, and I'm OK with letting the clock tick on it. As long as I get to make happy memories that seize the moments between now and then.


3 comments:

  1. Oh yes, I know this place. Sometimes it seems utterly unbelievable how we can continue to function, to laugh even, when there still is so much sadness and anger.

    I used music to work through my grief, too. I hesitated to share this with you before, but maybe it's the right time now: the song I wrote for my little angel.

    Wishing you a day full of laughs with Abby, and tears, too, when they feel right. *hugs*

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  2. Hi,
    I just found your blog through a link on the babybells forum and wanted to leave you a note because I can so relate to you. I also just had a miscarriage but I wasn't able to write about it at all on my blog. Yes music strikes a chord and your writing also strikes a chord with me. May you find peace in time.

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