Sunday, November 7, 2010

Back and Forth

So, I am well aware that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a terrible poker face, can barely tell a lie, (even to Rich), and have trouble acting calm when I'm having a terrible day. When something heavy and tragic happens in life, I've found I have a much easier time talking my way through it. Finding words to match feeling has been very helpful, and being honest about life's difficulties helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel. In short, I find it much easier to say it like it is, but I'm learning that honesty and openness must come with something of a filter.
And therein lies my confusion. If I'm a heart-on-my-sleeve writer who has thus far learned to navigate through life with words and shared stories, then what does it mean if I start zipping my lips? Is it denying fundamental parts of myself their due expression? Or is it personal growth when I learn to put limits on myself?
I know that's vague and spacey (sorry), but to put it succinctly I'm learning about this whole once-bitten business the hard way. Sometimes when we learn things the hard way the lessons are more easily remembered though, right? I'm starting to think I've been too open, too expressive, too involved in online dialog in public forums, too trusting of friends (who, it turns out, sometimes aren't such good friends I guess). I am a writer, but maybe I can learn to not share in discussions, contribute a thought, pose a question or describe a feeling in such a public place as the Internet, social media, heck even coffee shop chats.
I feel hypocritical or doomed to be saying these things. That's dramatic, I know. I mean, I feel balanced being part of discussions and even being part of the written world. But, to be fair to my devil's advocate, I haven't tried living a life reserved. I haven't taken a test run with this whole concept of turning inward, limiting confidantes, and really distancing myself from said discussions. Maybe I could learn to confide, write to, express, share and learn from smaller, more intimate circles. Maybe it would be more meaningful if I did. Maybe I wouldn't get burned that way. Maybe that'd be growing up.
I don't think I could give up Facebook and I don't think I could quit writing this blog. Cut-and-dry solutions like that never work well for me. I'm too Libra-balanced for black and whites. But maybe scaling back's not so bad. Just because I don't write about an issue on here or engage in discussions about topical news stories on Facebook doesn't mean I can't share those thoughts at all.
It's all a learning curve, right? This becoming a grownup without a manual while simultaneously learning what it is to be a supportive, fun wife and human-shaping mother thing. Ebbs and flows and tides of come and go that all hopefully move in an upwards line on my life's graph.

3 comments:

  1. Nicely put Sarah.
    There is a fine line between being true to yourself and standing up for what you believe in and then scaling back and reserving certain feelings and ideas for the right time.
    It's something that I am constantly trying to figure out for myself.

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  2. I agree wholeheartedly on everything you say.

    Plus, I left Facebook over a month ago for those same kind of reasons. Suffice to say, since I've left I've hardly had one backward glance, and I surprisingly I don't miss it at all. I actually think that my life has become richer, fuller and happier without it.

    Sometimes fading into obscurity can be a good thing, because it gives your life more mystery, and shows you who your real friends are. I figure, hey, if people want to get a hold of me, they know how, vice versa. My birthday came and went recently and it was more fulfilling to have my real friends remember my birthday on their own and wish me well, than the droves of half-hearted, half-assed bday wishes on my wall, that (sadly) used to excite me.

    In a world of grey, sometimes some things can really be black and white.

    A-to-the-M-Y

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  3. Amy! I actually remembered your birthday this week and went to look you up so that I could wish you a happy one! And you were gone. My email address is in my profile on here, will you send me yours?

    ReplyDelete

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