Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Back to Me

We brought a lot home from the beach with us: sand in our hair and ears, some new clothes from the outlet mall, memories of salty air and long beach walks. The most important thing I brought back was a dedication to reinvent what it is to be me. I mean reinvent in the way an artist looks at a painting and decides to outline everything in black: it doesn't change the subject of the picture, but it gives an entirely different finished product.
I have figured out (after much talking, whining, crying and then quiet thinking) that living a balanced and exciting life involves making my own excitement, my own balance. It's not fair to Rich for me to depend on his presence at home to make me complete. His four days off are fantastic family time, but that doesn't mean his four days on should be spent waiting until they are over. That is not very carpe diem, and it is not very me, circa five years ago. And when his four days come, what husband wants to fend off a wife demanding that every spare moment should be dedicated family time? I am the queen martyr for "me-time", so why shouldn't I understand that he needs time to?
What I'm trying to say is, I have been figuring out what to do, to avoid waiting eagerly, if not desperately, for my knight in shining armour to come home and make all our problems go away, simply by being home.
I am going to do yoga class. Once a week. For me. I will figure out childcare for the nights Rich is working and I will go and leave everything but my breath at the door.
I will join a book club. I love dissecting books and finding themes and motifs, but it's not as fun to underline things and then put the book away. Even if a book gets discussed only for a bit, I'd love to expand the group of people I hang out with and give myself new reasons to read new books.
I will start an at-home business. I had found one at the beginning of summer and I think the time is right to give it a go. I think it can do well, as long as I can find the confidence in myself to get out there and make it happen. I'll keep you posted.
I will get out of the house every day. Sometimes I just need to prove to myself "Look! You are a fabulous mama with a real-life woman underneath! Who needs to do things! Non-mama things! With a toddler in tow!" So Abby, get ready to join me at the coffeehouse, out shopping for wrenches, hiking the trails and going to get dinner ingredients. Because there's a whole lot more going on underneath my mom hat and I think it's high time you're part of that.
I will remind myself that I want to be a wife who is adored, and not obeyed. I know that sounds stark, but it is a simple way of putting the complicated idea that balance and love in me equals balance and love in our marriage. I don't want to force things into being just so. I want to work on being worthy of them becoming just so on their own.
So nighty night from Yukonland, where I will go now and stretch before bed, read a little, have one more glass of water and spread right out in my big comfy bed while Rich works his night shift.

1 comment:

  1. yet again you are an inspiration Sarah! I need to reinvent...well actually I need to FIND me, I often feel like I have lost me and don't totally recognize the women I see in the mirror. I love and appreciate so much of what is me now, like being a mama, but I totally notice that I am the last on my list of things to "look after".

    Le Sigh. I need to find a hobby, a night out JUST me once a week. I'd also like to find something James and I can do once a week together, we are thinking pottery hahaa. He loved it in highschool, and I have always wanted to try. I think I will copy you and look into a yoga class....off to research :D

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