Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Angst and missing it

Being in my home town, my old city, with a teenage sister, listening to my fave 2001-era rock songs, makes me reminisce about who I used to be. And I wonder how much of that girl is left in me, how she fits in. She certainly wasn't a stay-at-home mom in the suburbs with a house and a dog and a cat wearing anything with a collar. She was a rock star. She was pierced, tattooed, had a fake ID, went to concerts, ran away, broke rules, was the weird girl, and thought everything could be solved by listening to a Newfound Glory CD. I remember wearing jeans everyday, cutting my T-Shirts, riding the bus, cutting out things from magazines and sticking them on my walls. I remember thinking I was so different from my family.
And now I visit and I shop for boots at Aldo and get excited about deals on tablecloths. I spend my early mornings going to parks and consider 11pm "late." But I am so much happier and balanced now than I ever was at 16. Granted, I don't have pubescent hormones running through my veins or an intense desire to formulate opinions, rebel or assert my independence and free will. My needs are met, my wants are earned, and I find the greatest fun in running through sprinklers with Abby and Rich. I love a fun night laughing over wine with girlfriends who know me the best. I love live music but I have no desire to body surf.
But still, I can't help but wonder if I'm denying some part of myself. By choosing to live up North, by choosing to be a young mother. I'd love to have new music play in my kitchen while I prepare healthy meals. If but nothing else but just to know what music is COOL these days. And I definitely would love to stand in a crowd with beer spilling everywhere to see an awesome band like Sons of Mumford play live. Maybe once in a while. As long as I'm not too tired to get up the next morning with Abby for breakfast.
I head to the beach this weekend and next week to find some balance between my peaceful, balanced, (if not predictable) Yukon life and the carpe diem do-something-new excitement of my city. I promise I'll come back with new reasons to smile.

4 comments:

  1. I find it so hard to picture the wild teenage you. Are you sure you aren't pulling our leg and were a totally mellow teen?

    Good luck in finding some balance!

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  2. Just like Kara, I find it hard to believe that you were a teenager full of angst. Can't wait to hear about the Ottawa and Maine adventures over a glass of wine. The Yukon misses you!

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  3. Will do! And Jo, once we're onto the second, third, fourth glasses of wine we can talk about our rebel days! :)

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  4. Okay, I want to join in on the wine and hear of rebel days! heheh

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