Thursday, July 30, 2009

Six Months Down

...and how many left to go? I know, I know, that is an incredibly morbid thought. But today as I mark Abby's half birthday, I wonder in amazement where the time has gone. Each day passes too quickly: wake, eat, nap, wake, eat, play, eat, nap, wake, eat, play, bath, bedtime. And then she's asleep and I'm left to do adult things that at the time I am grateful to do in freedom from her. But it doesn't take long before I miss her little face, her squeals, her tummy, her skin. It takes a deep breath to stop myself from going into her dark room and running my hand over her soft, downy hair.
I can't shake this awful feeling today that it will all be taken away from me. That this beautiful moment in time is too good to be true. That days spent with my baby cooling off in the river, coming home to my wonderful husband as we all laugh and play and eat are fleeting. I wonder why, out of all the women in the world who want babies so bad, I got chosen from the pot to be this beautiful baby's mama. How did I get so lucky to be her singsong, dancing, smiling, cheering playmate, her comfort blanket, her home, her safety, her lifesource? It is overwhelming to reflect on how much I have, and how quickly it could be taken away. An accident, awaking to realize this is all a dream, the baby fairy sweeping in to tell me there'd been a mixup, who knows? Last night I had a vision I'd let her goopy sunscreen-y squirmy body slip out of my arms into the river, taken away from me as I frantically searched for her. It made me want to wretch.
Let the forces that be taunt me with such nightmares, I will keep relishing every moment with my little munchkin, as if it just may be our last.

1 comment:

  1. A sweet post that really describes that deep deep love for a child. I can hardly wait to meet my little one.


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